Friday, May 23, 2003

Hi Everybody!

I've been writing but Blooger is in transition and has caused me to lose my posts or, not got on at all:

"Heads up. Over the next couple weeks, we will be moving people over to a new version of Blogger. It's basically the same as the old one but should work better. So if things look different one day, don't be too surprised."

...and please do NOT pick up the monitor and throw it across the room when you try to post and the screen goes white and some of your best writing is lost forever....Got that? Thanks Guys!<

Jeneane described JennaBean's graduation to me. It was as if I were there. (My imagination had to develop this way because of not experiencing all the things your sisters went through) I sat here reading and got tears in my eyes just imagining my little girl reading in front of the whole assembly! I am so proud of her!

When a parent misses an important event of their child, the child may mask the feelings over time or express the disappointment immediately. I'm sorry, my Jenna for missing the graduation but, not only do I miss you, I'm still missing myself. My child within. I missed everything your sisters went through, not of my own doing but, I get that same feeling of missing someone all the time and realize now where it comes from. I cry about that when you remind me how sensitive a child can be.

. I'm learning a lot from Jenna. (Jenna's Mama is very special as well and is doing the best job I've ever seen. I think I want her to be my mommy next time)

When my other two daughters came to stay with us I remember Jenna's middle sister [from my first wife] Georgia, screaming at me that I could learn so much from her. I had no idea what she was talking about. Thought she had her mouth open in a blaze of Effexor that was taken at the wrong time. At first, I thought ┬┤how arrogent she is' . Learn what?! Now I understand. I don't think I wanted to learn what she went through as a child because I was afraid of the anger I could feel toward her mother for taking them away from me illegally, letting her and her sister grow like weed and not raising them with a healthy kind of love. Instead, their mother was, is an alcoholic.

How can I be that angry anymore with their mother when the woman was truly sick? It's taken me years to realize, understand and accept this fact and all the implications, complications of this disease of alcoholism. Knowing this , I would have taken the children far away from her. [ I remember the damn fool yelling at me, saying that they didn't need a father...something leftover from her women lib days, and me being a damn fool for swallowing her bullshit! And I am truly sorry I didn't do that...I think I just found a major guilt source for me whilst writing in this Blog today...

Georgia, if you are reading this please know that I am sorry for unjustly punishing you for lashing out verbally at me. Once again I let your mother get in the way of us communicating. I am understanding more these days what you and Tamar went through. But, do understand that this legacy started long before you (or I ) were born, on both sides of the family. If I could talk to you both again, I could show you how to overcome what may sneak up on you one day (if it hasn't already) when you're stuck in a mental/emotional rut but, most of all I promise to show you love...


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home