Friday, July 11, 2003

So I was milling about the Internet today and ran into some old childhood friends...

It was maybe 1970 when I first heard Firesign Theatre. I didn't quite understand all the implications, should I say puns(?) that they threw at my young mind but, I knew that they were entertaining my lonely brain with so much thought and innuendos it would get me thinking, exercise my brain, so to speak. I love these guys! Reading Phil Austin's Blog of the Unknown was like going back (to a better childhood) home.

This leads me to my thoughts of growing up a lonesome child. I didn't see any other choice except to get involved with my brothers' daily lives because I always had this inner sick feeling of being left alone not to mention being left out. I don't blame my oldest brother for unassing the homestead when he did (matter of fact, I can see why my own father got the hell out of there- but that is a story I my never know because of the shroud of secrecy and anomosity my family (mother) always had about our 'roots'...) but, I still felt abandoned (because I WAS a child).That feeling can't be helped to this day, I'm afraid.

You see, I have too much of a memory of my childhood. Painfully Lonely could've been my name. I wasn't empty because I had the music always in my mind and most of all the knowledge that my Father In the Heavens was always watching. I could feel his presence all of the time.

I remember three of us young children hiking in the fields behind our new suburban homes (1964). The girl was maybe Suzy; the boy was a bigmouth brat who got away with everything was Brian. It comes back to me like a mad rush 'at the end of a wet kiss' (Firesign Theater reference- I KNEW there was a reason for finding them today...)
We walked into the beautiful fields, with trees and open air places that seemed to go on forever. The girl said she had to go potty and Brian said 'You can go potty right here. 'You promise not to look?, she giggled. ' We promise'. Brian looked! I looked for a second but, then looked at the horizon. The sun was huge. I could feel something was wrong here. The sun shone and I could feel my Father in the Heavens looking at us through the sun. I got fearful. By this time Suzy was finished. I think Brian put his foot on her bare back and tried to shove her to the ground but, didn't succeed. She just giggled and, 'Silly'! We headed back down the 'big' hill, back to our neighborhood and as we did, Brian said he was going to tell Suzy's parents that she peed in front of us boys. I was amazed by this. Is that supposed to be a fun thing, to betray our friends trust? Maybe I didn't think in those words, it was more like a feeling- a sick feeling. I don't recall a lot of the details but I do remeber Brian's voice announcing to the whole neighborhood that 'Suzy just pottied in front of us boys'. Then I remember seeing a bunch of arms and hands with straps reaching for Suzy, striking and slapping her, dragging her into her house. I was very afraid. Surely we will be beaten as well! Nothing happened to Brian. He just looked smug and went to his house, laughing. Nothing happened to me - physically but, my brain went crazy, thinking that this betrayal was alright, especially after assured her he wouldn't tell! I was so angry at Brian and wished that someone would accidentally run over his tricycle (the most important item in our outside lives). I was so angry and scared for days. I never did see Suzy again after that.

I would definitely get my own beatings in the very near future, for staying away from home too long, etc...WOW! How did I get to this place today?!


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