Tuesday, September 23, 2003

I'm still here. Just dealing with a worm infested computer...
In this modern age the only thing standing in the way of getting a workable computer is money. Nothing fancy. Just something with a hard drive that dosen't need to be put in defrag mode every other stinkin' day! (I feel a rant coming on...)

I mean what does it take to make this stupid thing work? My old method of repair was a swift kick to the side but, after seeing (and accidentally vacuuming out onetime...long ago...and far away...) the delicate insides of a computer, I realised this technique could rarely work. Defrag, scan, defrag again. I expect to find a load of molasses flowing out from under the desk. Email is the worst. If this keeps up I might have to break down and send a hard copy letter!

I don't know...with all of the computer parts laying around the house I might be able to put something together... Do you know we lost a bag of software? WIN98se and a bunch of goodies took a walk. My buddy stayed with us last year and helped me clean my studio and he swears he didn't throw it away. I imagine him cleaning the corner of the studio: Hmmmm, what's this? Let's throw it out. But I know better than to accuse him....I KNOW it's sitting somewhere in a safe spot calling, no, screaming out my name. I just don't know where to look anymore....

I might have a gig in Spain very soon. This would be nice to get some consistent work for a year. Shoot, I'd settle for three months of steady gigs at this point. Well, it IS the season around here. All the musicians get happy for a minute and then January 1 rolls in. NOTHING! Until maybe April. Then the season starts again until June. Then NOTHING again until September. This would be livable if the work was consistent for these seasonal spurts of work. But they are not. Never have been. I'm trying to make it happen. Really, I am but, with age and wisdom comes tiredness, motivation starts waning because you'd think that pay raises would accomodate the cost of living. It does not, has not, and may never change for live music. I'm tired again.

But, what is my motivation to keep playing my music (not even my music - somebody elses)? I've invested my childhood, young adulthood to the present because...because... I love music. There! I've said it. I guess that was my motivation. This was always my therapy. It's just after someone else makes money off of your self expression you start thinking ' Wait a gol dern second?!'

You can stop reading this at any time...But I can't stop what I do as a musician as an artist or whatever. It goes on and on, good and bad.

'So, what do you do for a living?

'Well, I play music.

'No, really. What do you do for a living?

Well, when I was a kid, I had a desire to play music, I had gotten good at playing music and I naturally thought that I could make a living in music. Did you have a vision when you 8 or 9 years old. Or were you following your friends, getting into what they were getting into because it was something to do? You had a vision you would be an office lackey cleaning up after somebody elses mistakes, taking the blame for someone elses bullshit while climbing the corporate ladder and finally getting laid off for no good reason? Did you envision this? No, really...

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