Wednesday, July 10, 2002

My personal reply to Jeneane concerning her 7/9 blog entry Voicelessness...
Hi my Baby. So, it is now spoken, the innermost life changing events that shape our lives. Of all that I've known you are the purest woman I have ever known.I've always told you that you will forever be pure of heart no matter what the world has done to you. I've never thought in those terms when I was a young buck thinking that my mother's advice of [out of the blue, I might add] 'George, you'd better marry a virgin' was correct when I was still a virgin. I remember the week before I met you how wrong and haughty I was for thinking that physical virginity was the answer to my jealous heart.

That's when it was time for me to meet you. I was so angry at my ex-wife for not 'waiting' for me. I tormented her night and day and drove us both insane trying to change the events that I thought mattered. The bottom line on that whole situation was that even if she was a virgin she could never truly love anyone but herself and she still doesn't know how to do that.

She lied to me and said she was raped by some guy in college. Truth of the matter is she was in denial. Her experiment with sex was dissapointing to her and had to tell me a lie so she would appear pure in heart to me, a 17year old virgin who believed in true love and exclusivity. Every woman I was with after her brought out the same anger even if they were pure of heart, because I was blinded by my stupidity, jealousy, anger and rage. What the hell was I thinking?! Fucking for virginity? One day, a week before I met you, I prayed and humbled myself to the Creator, my *Father in the Heavens [*I was crying to my mother on my knees when I was a young boy of 10 yrs because I wanted a father in my life. My parents separated a few months before I was born so I didn't know him or meet him until I was 13yrs. My mother, who had to be strong after the divorce, replied sternly saying 'You have a father! Your Father in the Heavens!' This was perhaps the guidline to how I live my life. Know earthly man has any authority beyond the respect they are deserving. This is a serious chip on my shoulder...] begging forgivness for my stupidity thinking that I was better than another human being especially after all that I had done with other woman. I'm hoping I'm making these statements clear for my readers. I'm in a different frame of mind this week...I'll clairfy this later.

Jeneane, you came looking for me. You wanted me. It wasn't a random ' Let's see who's ready to fuck tonight' kind of thing. You are the first woman I haven't been able to conjer up bad feelings of resentment towards. You are the sweetest girl and a real woman. Occassionally[sp] I still have those feelings of anger towards both of our mothers for what I won't go into. Is that where that anger is supposed to go? Another question. How do other men cope with certain things while their women mock them.. Hell of a statement, I know, but do you understand what I am always saying to you? I truly love you! No matter what!


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